Compassionate Conversations: What to Say (and Not Say) to a Heartbroken Loved One
In our society, we haven’t done a great job of supporting each other through grief. The discomfort and lack of knowledge about how to talk to a grieving person are glaring evidence of our
collective failure in this area. But let’s not beat ourselves up about it. It’s not your fault if you feel uneasy about approaching someone who’s grieving. Most of us lack education around this topic, and that’s okay. Let’s fix that now and learn what to say and what not to say to a grieving person, and why.
One of the main reasons we feel so ill-equipped to help a grieving person feel better is because we’re not sure what magic words will take away their pain. But here’s the truth: there are no magic words. We’re not going to take away their pain with anything we say, so let’s relieve ourselves of that burden right now. The best thing we can do is simply be with them. Offer to be a witness or companion in their grief, rather than trying to fix it or make it go away.
Seriously, let that sink in.
We’re not going to take away the pain with anything we say. So let’s free ourselves from that pressure. The best thing we can do is to be present and offer our support.
In the raw moments when someone confides that they’ve just lost someone dear, their tears and brokenness laying bare the depth of their sorrow, it can feel like words fail us. But in these moments, there’s a simple yet powerful gesture that can make all the difference: ask about the person they’ve lost. Their name, a favorite memory, anything you don’t know. This small act communicates volumes, signaling to the grieving person that you’re a safe space to share their pain. And from there, you can gently inquire further about the loss; if they want to talk about how they found out about the loss, or what their experience has been since they found out about the loss. This opens the door for them to express their emotions and stories, knowing they have a compassionate listener in you. It’s in these tender exchanges that true connection and healing can begin to take root.
Now, let’s talk about what not to say (and this isn’t an exhaustive list, just some common things people say):
“I know what you’re going through.”
“Just give it time.”
“You’ll be able to replace the loss (person, pet, job, spouse, etc.).”
“You need to get back out there, stop dwelling on the loss.”
“They’re in a better place now.”
“Everything happens for a reason.”
And here are some helpful, supportive things you can say to a grieving person:
“Can you tell me more?”
“I’m here with you, and would love to hear what you’re experiencing.”
“It sounds like you’re feeling (insert emotion they’re expressing), is that right?”
“What is your favorite memory with this person (or job, pet, etc.)?”
“THANK YOU for sharing. I’d love to hear more any time you want to talk about the person or the situation.”
Remember, it’s not about finding the perfect words to make everything better. It’s about showing up, listening, and offering our support in whatever way feels most genuine and authentic to us.